Photo by Peter Burdon on Unsplash
At some point in our lives, we all lose our sense of direction. Maybe our relationships feel fractured, our career unsatisfying, or we struggle with life’s challenges. We may have a sense that something isn’t right, but we cannot articulate how we feel or know how to move forward.
Oftentimes we look outside of ourselves for help. We ask friends and family for advice or search the internet for an explanation of what is happening to us. Whilst this can be helpful, it does not always lead us to a deeper understanding of ourselves. Person-centred therapy views things differently: we have the capacity to understand ourselves, even when we’ve lost touch with it.
The good news is, as much as we can lose ourselves in relationships, we can also find ourselves again through relationship. My role as a person-centred therapist is to offer you a relationship where you can explore your experience, understand yourself more fully, and discover a way of being that is satisfying and meaningful.
In this short article, I explore what person-centred therapy is and what this might look like for you.
What is person-centred therapy?
Person-centred therapy was created by Carl Rogers in the mid-20th century. His approach is based on the idea that humans have an innate capacity for growth, self-understanding, and change. However, difficult life experiences, including damaging or confusing relationships, can leave us feeling disconnected from our own feelings and sense of direction.
Rogers believed that when people are met with genuineness, acceptance and empathic understanding, they are more able to connect with their feelings, increase self-awareness and discover the potential for change. Person-centred therapy, therefore, is aimed at creating the kind of relationship where a person can reconnect with themselves.
How do we lose touch with ourselves?
We live in constant interaction with others. At once, we are striving to be autonomous and to live harmoniously with others. This is a challenge for us all, and as a result, we often make compromises to our individuality. We all do it – whether it’s agreeing to join the staff night out or telling your partner that everything is just ‘fine’. Problems occur, however, when we lose a true sense of ourselves under these clever and creative adaptations. When the image we present to the world becomes fixed, we experience pain, anxiety, or suffering.
What happens in the relationship?
Person-centred therapy offers more than just a space where you can offload your distress. Rather, the approach offers something unique – a relationship where you can explore who you are, without the pressure to meet someone else’s expectations. In the container of the relationship, the therapist will help you notice those clever and protective strategies. For example, we may learn in therapy that being overly agreeable has helped us gain recognition from our significant others. Being a ‘good little boy/girl’ has helped us feel loved, have adoring parents and many great friends. However, this way of being can become rigid, leaving aspects of ourselves feeling unseen or misunderstood.
We talk about this in therapy – but how does talking help?
People can often explain their distress in great detail without actually feeling what it means for them. Logic is necessary for understanding ourselves – but intellectualising alone doesn’t always mean we’ve encountered ourselves emotionally. Person-centred therapy helps us to slow down and pay attention to our immediate experience.
Perhaps you are describing a disagreement you had with your partner, and you notice an uncomfortable feeling in your chest that you can’t quite explain. Rather than moving on to what happened next, person-centred therapy will help you slow down and find words for this feeling. You might find that beneath your apparent willingness to be agreeable in moments of conflict, you feel something like anger or frustration. You might discover an aching for your feelings to be heard and acknowledged. This is more than simply naming emotions – it is the articulation of experience.
Together, we search for the right words that fit your experience. When we find the right words for how we feel, new insights and understanding emerge. We may begin to recognise aspects of our experience which have often been overlooked or poorly understood.
This is a process of integration. With increased awareness of our here-and-now feelings, we create the opportunity for responding differently, rather than automatically agreeing with others. Over time, we may discover a greater ability to respond authentically, together with increased openness and acceptance of others.
It won’t be easy, however. The same patterns of excessive agreeableness may show up between you and the therapist. For instance, you may find yourself needing to be a model client, not wanting to disappoint, or nodding along with every one of the therapist’s reflections. This is where the relationship creates, in real time, the possibility for change. You may, for example, experience how it feels to disagree with the therapist or to express frustration. Through the therapist’s acceptance and understanding, you may begin to realise that disagreement does not have to mean disconnection.
What does a person-centred therapist actually do?
So, if I don’t give you the answers, then what do I actually do?
I am actively engaged in the relationship.
In practice, this involves listening deeply and attentively, reflecting what I hear, clarifying meaning, and asking thoughtful questions. As the therapeutic relationship develops, I may offer gentle observations or pick up on contradictions. I may notice shifts in energy and body language. At times, I may slow things down when an aspect of your experience feels meaningful. Everything I do is guided by care and understanding, helping you see yourself more clearly. Whilst these actions are some things I may do, the most important role is how I am in the relationship. I am fully myself, and not a caricature of how a therapist is ‘supposed to be’. It is my way of being with you – not simply what I do – that supports healing.
In Person-centred therapy, the client is the centre of the relationship. Therapist and client work together to discover what hurts, what this means, and how we can live with or change through difficult life experiences.
Is person-centred therapy right for me?
Person-centred therapy might particularly appeal to people who are seeking to explore their experiences, understand themselves more deeply, and who value a collaborative and creative relationship. The approach is suitable for a wide range of life’s challenges, including people seeking to understand themselves more deeply, struggling with identity, life transitions, relationship issues, loneliness and anxiety; grief and loss; separation and divorce; trauma and difficult past experiences; self-criticism and low self-worth; living abroad. This list is not exhaustive but is representative of common client concerns.
If you have any questions about this article, or if you are interested in exploring some of your own concerns with me, please feel free to get in touch. I offer a free 20-minute consultation call where we can discuss whether working together would be the right fit for you.